Titles. Tags. And labels. STAY AWAY!

I was at the playground yesterday with the boys. There were 4 other mothers standing around next to me watching their kids play.

None of us had ever met, but we all had kids that were about the same ages - 5 and under.

Out of the 5 of us there, 4 of us had 3 children.  So there were 14 kids playing together.  It was very cute.

But then one of the little boys started crying because his older sister “by mistake” threw sand at him.

This mother (obviously embarrassed) ran over to diffuse the sibling situation.

As she was doing her “thing,” one of the other mothers asked the group of mothers, “So which one is your cry baby?”

Cry baby!? Gee… great term for your child.

All of us were a little stunned by the bluntness.  After all, we just met.

But then… she goes on.

“My oldest is my cry-baby. All he does is whine. My middle daughter is an emotional roller coaster. Drama. Drama. Drama. She’s up, she’s down. And my youngest is my shining star. He’s the easiest child.”

So let me digest.

Older one = cry baby.

Middle one = drama.

Youngest = star.

Can’t see this not messing them up at all. And let me interject that her youngest is exactly Benjamin’s age. He just turned one last week. Let’s face it, anything could happen.

I just sat there listening to 2 of the other mothers “labeling” their kids too. Shy. Outgoing. Reserved. Little clown. Attention-getter. My athlete. My bookworm. Needy. My messy one.

AND LET ME REPEAT… the kids are all 5 and under!  Not one of them is in kindergarten yet! 

And the list went on.

I just kept remembering a family friend once telling my parents in front of Jane and me as kids… “Well, I can tell who the little shy one is out of these two.”

It was me. I must have been about 7 or 8 years old. And I have never forgotten that comment. I never had thought of myself as shy, my parents certainly never called me out on it. I just remember thinking, even at the young age, I will NEVER do that to my kids. I always respected my parents for never “labeling” or “tagging” or putting “titles” to any of us 4 kids.

So William, Alex and Ben… yes, you all have different personalities. It’s a beautiful thing to see. And yes, one of you is a little more comfortable in group situations. And yes, one of you likes to be holding my hand. And yes, one of you attracts a lot of attention from strangers with your funny little antics.

But you will never know which one it is. At least not from me. All of you are the funniest… cutest… most outgoing… and most LOVED little men in my life!

Comments

[Liz]

Admittedly, it can be hard to avoid comparisons and labels. Sometimes it's just how our brain organizes information. Still, though, to give such a defined label to a child (especially so young!!) is really hard and can indeed have a lasting impact.

I notice it a lot, because I have twins. Lots of built-in comparing. I try not to do it too much, but sometimes it happens anyways. Thankfully, they keep it fresh and keep switching off, anyways!

A few weeks ago, though, I actually had someone ask me which was the "better" one. Seriously?!?! Not only is that a ridiculous question for anyone, but I suppose she meant to ask which was the "easier" one? Not only does that change day-to-day and instance-to-instance, but they're NINE MONTHS OLD!! Oy...

[In the Trenches of Mommyhood]

Great post Audrey! I try to be careful about this in front of my boyz. But Hubby and I definitely enjoy talking about all of their different personality quirks when we're alone! It just amazes me that all 3 of them came from my womb, but they're all so unique.

[Paula]

Couldn't agree more. I was the "ugly duckling".

I think I was all of five or six when I was labeled thus. Later, I became the "bookworm" and just to make sure there wasn't enough pressure, the "smart" one.

Interesting that being the smart one didn't keep me from getting lousy grades in school!

Since the Impling is the one and only, there can be no comparisons. We'll see how long that lasts, though. Labels can happen even without siblings.

[Kate]

I don't have a problem with shorthand - my daughter has a much more intense personality, my son is more laid-back - because there's a certain comfort and simplicity to being understood. To knowing that other people recognize your uniqueness, and learning how to define yourself.

But with that shorthand that I use are two very important rules. One, it has to be up for review and adjustment - you have to be willing to say it in front of the child (preferably without an audience, at least the first time) to let them hear it and process it and respond, so that they can say, "But I don't feel ____." And heed that, work with it, because sometimes what looks shy is actually thoughtful, or hungry, or something.

And two, the shorthand can never be inheritantly value-laden, especially not in the negative direction. I refer to my daughter as assertive, but save the word "bossy" for discussions with her about how other people might interpret her actions.

And none of our shorthands are permanent or exclusive. Some days, both kids are needy and high-maintenance... other days, neither is.