New England Mamas

Star-Spangled Manners

If you're planning - or attending - a 4th of July celebration this weekend, might I suggest a few things to consider? You know, to make sure your star-spangled manners are up to par.

For those of you hosting a party:

1) Make sure you have enough food for all your guests. I was invited to a party once and the invitation said it would take place "From 2 PM - ???" When I showed up at 4 PM, there was no food left. Not even a potato chip. The host had given his guests a window of three question marks, and yet had run out of grub in 2 hours? Not acceptable. Similarly, I was invited to another party where the guest wanted to know beforehand how many hot dogs and/or burgers I would be eating. This was not a wedding, it was a back yard BBQ! Bottom line: don't skimp out on your guests.

2) Unless you have managed to gather a crowd of 5,000+, fireworks are not a good idea. You could shoot an eye out, you know. That, and when people want to see a fireworks display, they'll travel to a location specifically for said fireworks display. Having a cheapo display go off from your back yard is just going to piss your neighbors off. This includes their dog(s), who you really don't want to piss off.

3) Even if you're not going to risk life and limb to set fireworks off, you'll probably still be drawing a crowd, what with the free food, drinks and Bocce Ball setup. So be considerate of your neighbors. Make sure your guests' cars aren't blocking their driveways. And turn that music down! Better yet? Invite your neighbors over. Nothing will prevent them from calling the cops like the previously mentioned free food, drinks and Bocce Ball.

For those of you attending a party:

1) Bring something for the host - but not an entourage. Even if someone tells you, "the more, the merrier" this usually means, "Yes, it's fine if you have to bring your mother-in-law, or your son wants to bring a friend." This is not an invitation to pack as many people possible into a clown car and head over. Bring a bouquet of flowers, a bottle of wine... bake a cake! Just don't arrive empty-handed.

2) Don't mock people who get festive. Decking oneself out in red, white and blue may not be your thing, but some people like to rock the patriotic garb... and that's OK. This rule doesn't apply to Christmas sweaters, as those tend to offend throughout the whole season. We're talking one day of red, white and blue here. Deal.

3) When the party is over - the games have stopped, the grill is turned off, the parade is over, the fireworks are done - LEAVE. No host wants to keep entertaining when the overwhelming majority of the party guests have gone home. Even if you can't take a hit that the party's over, it's time to go home, at the very least, help with the clean-up.

But most importantly: have a safe, fun and Happy 4th of July!

10 things to do this summer in Rhode Island

With summer ("unofficially") upon us, it's time to start rolling out the summer plans.

Even in the tiny state of Rhode Island, there is plenty to do... either for a day trip, a weekend trip or a full-on vacation stay.

If you are planning on visiting our nation's tiniest state this summer, here are the top 10 must-dos:

1) Explore Newport. This seaside city has endless opportunities for summer fun, from the beaches (Easton's beach - or "First Beach" to the locals - is great for families with its carousel, children's playground and skateboard park) to the Cliff Walk (3.5 miles of architectural, coastal and wildlife beauty) to the  Newport Mansions (tour 11 of the historic properties that have helped define America's heritage, located on 80 acres of gardens and parks). Don't forget to stroll down Thames Street and stop for a bite to eat at The Red Parrot or  Salas'. A short walk from Thames St. will bring you to The Black Pearl for award-winning clam chowder and an elegant atmosphere. And for the best buffet in town, plus a fabulous theater/cabaret production, don't miss the Newport Playhouse.

2) Go to the Roger Williams Park Zoo. There are always fun events, exhibits and more going on at the zoo, located on the grounds of Roger Williams Park, which also offers a carousel, boat rides and greenhouses.

3) Watch a PawSox game. The Pawtucket Red Sox are the Triple-A Affiliate team of the Boston Red Sox, and their home turf, McCoy Stadium, is right here in Pawtucket, RI. Enjoy a family-friendly, wallet-friendly experience, watching the future household names of baseball fine tune their skills. Sometimes you'll even catch a current Boston Red Sox star playing at McCoy as he rehabs following an injury.

4) Experience WaterFire. This summertime tradition is an experience not to be missed. It lights the night with 100 sparkling bonfires along the three rivers of downtown Providence. Thousands gather to watch the beauty of WaterFire take in its musical and cultural accompaniments. Don't miss it! (Scroll down to the bottom of this page for the  2008 summer schedule.)

5) See the Narragansett Towers.  These much photographed historic Towers are located on a beautiful and scenic stretch of road along Narragansett Beach. Live music and dancing, and other public events, are held at the Towers throughout the summer.  But it's worth a visit, even  if only to take photographs of the architecture.

6) Ride your bike. Rhode Island has so much natural beauty, and one way to experience much of it is by riding on the state's many bike paths. The paths will take you along the riverways, through beautiful towns and into parks.

7) Visit Block Island. The laid-back atmosphere on Block Island is just perfect. Go for the music festival, unleash your adventurous side and go kiteboarding - or just spend the day traversing the island by bicycle.

8 ) Pick Blueberries. July and August are the best months to go blueberry picking around here. When you pick them right from the bush, blueberries are so ripe, fresh and delicious! My favorite place is Rocky Point Farm. You can find detailed information about where to pick other fruits and vegetables around Rhode Island here.

9) Spend the day at the park. For such a small state, there are plenty of wonderful parks in Rhode Island. My favorite two are Colt State Park in Bristol and Goddard Park in Warwick. Pack a picnic basket, a Frisbee and some Wiffle Ball equipment, and you're good to go. Both parks offer walking trails and small beach areas. And you can go on horseback rides at Goddard Park.

10) Kayak on the bay. You're never far from the water when you're in Rhode Island (we are the Ocean State, after all). Take a tour on kayak with The Kayak Centre in Wickford or Ocean State Adventures in Bristol.
 

Wherein I go on a Dyson tangent

I have a bone to pick with this guy:

 

You know him, he's the Dyson Vacuum inventor. Sir James Dyson, to be exact.

But I like to call him Sir D, because it makes him sound like a rapper, and that's cool.

Not so cool? Sir D has led me astray in my domestic duties.

I first started to hear a lot of good things about the Dyson about 4 years ago, right around the time I got engaged and was starting to think about my our wedding registry.

I'll admit that I was wooed by the hoopla surrounding the whole "no bag" thing. I would always forget to replace the bag of my old vacuum, and by the time I remembered, it just wasn't a good scene.

Besides that, I would always forget to buy new vacuum bags (things like food and other basic human necessities were at the top of my shopping list, shockingly) so if I actually did remember to change it, I would be out of luck (well, more so my dirty rugs than me, I guess).

In the commercials, Sir D would say that sure, the current vacuum models were great and all, but (and this was the important thing) they had ONE design flaw - they lost suction.

But because of his innovation - the bagless vacuum - all would now be right in the world.

Plus, he had a British accent, which automatically meant he knew what he was talking about. And that Sir title didn't hurt his credibility. (I'm easily impressed like that.)

So, pretty much convinced that Sir D had solved the world's big puzzle - and already addicted to registering for just about anything and everything at Target - I put the Dyson on my our registry.

 

I mean, he had solved THE vacuum design flaw, right?

And I we did receive the Dyson as a shower gift, thanks to my mother-in-law. I was all gung-ho about using it at first, and I was pleased with how it worked, although carrying that heavy sucker up and down the stairs was no easy task.

However, with two big dogs, which equaled big time shedding, which equaled increased amount of vacuuming, I started to notice that it just wasn't living up to its suctioning promises when it came to the dog hair.

Lo and behold, around that same time, they released a Dyson specifically created for use on pet hair. Unwilling to shell out $500 for a new vacuum when I we had just received one, I sucked it up (as it were) and only cursed Sir D internally for not coming out with the pet hair model before I we registered for our wedding.

 

But hey, if they already mastered that ONE design flaw, I thought, why would they even need a whole 'nother vacuum just for pet hair?

Just sayin'.

OK, so a few years have gone by now and I've been mildly happy with my Dyson.

My husband and I did have to send it back to Dyson once because it wasn't picking anything up... when it came back, it worked better for a few weeks, and then went to being so-so. Which was better than picking up nothing, but not great.

Honestly, though, it was too much of a hassle to get people back on the phone and have to send it back/wait for its return again.

I had just kind of resigned myself to the fact that it seemed everyone else loved their Dyson but me. But what could I do? Sir D had made THE FLAWLESS vacuum!

So imagine my surprise when I heard Sir D's voice from my television the other day, talking about how for hundreds of years, vacuum cleaners have had, "ONE fundamental design flaw."

Old news! I thought.

But nooooo! He was talking about a NEW fundamental design flaw... the fixed axle that only allows vacuums to go in a straight line. So he has now created the Dyson Ball vacuum, which operates with one big ball - no wheels - allowing the vacuum to "pivot on the spot."

 

He compares it to a computer mouse, which has a ball on the bottom so it can easily travel anywhere.

OK, I get that. But the absolute kicker in this commercial is when he says this line: "I mean, you wouldn't make a computer mouse with wheels, would you?"

Of course I wouldn't, Sir D. That would be silly!

But YOU DID make a vacuum with wheels. Remember that one!? The one that was supposed to be the be-all-end-all of vacuums.

I mean, I understand that things evolve and the need for new things comes about... but I remember in one of his original commercials, he said that he had gone through about 5,000 vacuum prototypes before he finally cracked the code in creating the perfect cyclone for his bagless vacuum.

Never once during those 5,000 failures did his team think, "Hey! Maybe there isn't just ONE design flaw to be working on?"

I mean, going through 5,000 prototypes must have taken awhile.

I'm just thinking that maybe a light bulb could have gone off in someone's head a little sooner.

OK, end rant. Consider bone picked.

Thanks for listening. I'm off to vacuum some dog hair.

- Jane

Spring scenes from Boston

Is there anything more beautiful than the sight of Spring blooming in the city?

Here are some recent shots of blooming Beantown:

... just the kind of scenes to make you forget the harsh New England winters!

I guess I should leave it to the experts next time

"It looks like a roof."

"It looks like water rippling on a lake."

"It looks wet."

I bet you would never guess that these three statements were used - by three different people - to describe the exact same thing yesterday.

And I bet even more that you would never guess that the statements were used to describe... my dog.

Yes, my poor, sweet Sethy had to endure the hack job of his life over the weekend when my husband and I tried to give him a haircut.

In our defense, all was going well until the clippers we were using just stopped working mid-cut.

Then we were left to finish the job with scissors. And it just didn't go as planned.

We had let Seth's fur grow over the winter. But now that the weather is getting nicer, we figured we'd cool him off with a nice Spring haircut.

It started off good. But when our clippers gave up on us halfway through the grooming session on our back deck, we had to improvise.  And out came the scissors.

In hindsight, maybe that wasn't the smartest idea. Because when we brought Seth and our other dog, Ryder, to the beach yesterday, we got the above comments in reference to Seth's new 'do.

A roof. Rippling water on a lake. (Simply) wet.

All because he went from this:

to this:

Living the Barbie dream

When I was a little girl, I loved Barbie.  I admired Barbie.

OK, I was pretty much sure that I would grow up to be Barbie.

I would marry Ken in a great big Barbie wedding in a great big princess gown. 

We would live in our Barbie Dream House. 

I would drive my pink Barbie Corvette. 

Ken and I would take fun Barbie trips to the beach (where I’d lay out in the sun in my pink Barbie bikini).

And, of course, we would have beautiful little Barbie babies. 

That was the Barbie dream, right?  Heck, I even dreamed this dream at night while sleeping on my Barbie sheets and pillows!

(I didn’t think about it at the time, but this Barbie dream clearly came with the whole 39″bust, 19″hips, 33″waist thing, too.)

Yes, looking back at it, the dream was a bit shallow. I even had a friend whose Mom forbade her from playing with Barbies, believing that the Barbie establishment was selling little girls a bill of goods on the idea of the perfect body.

But it was fun… it was a fantasy… and come on, it was the 80’s!  Everyone was a narcissist, even Barbie.

So, now that I am all grown up, am I Barbie?  Um… not so much! 

But am I damaged because I didn’t live up to my Barbie dream?  Of course not. 

But now that my little nieces are into playing with Barbies, I have come to see just how Barbie has changed in the past 20 years.

I didn’t even realize that today’s Barbie is a jock until my 6-year-old niece told me she just got a Barbie tennis racket!

And there’s a Barbie skateboard, a Barbie scooter, Barbie In Line Skates.

And Barbie’s ambitious, too.  Barbie’s a doctor, a veterinarian, a musician.

Sure, Barbie is still a huge fan of pink and all things girly…

But now Ken doesn’t have to be the only one bringing home the bacon to the Barbie Dream House. Actually, if memory serves me correctly, Barbie kicked Ken to the curb a few years ago.

It’s nice to see that with Girl Power all the rage, Barbie has kept up with the times. Barbie even offers girly Barbie doggy toys now (which this former Barbie dreamer bought for her own little sporty girl doggy, of course)!

The Barbie brand clearly has staying power, even after 50 years! So 50 years from now, whether my little granddaughters are athletes, working girls, stay-at-home moms, princesses - or all of these things! - I hope that they are dreaming big Barbie dreams, too!

Opening Day 2008

On Tuesday I had the opportunity to attend Opening Day at Fenway with my dad and two brothers.

Now, the prospect of going to Opening Day would be exciting enough for me... but the fact that our boys won the World Series last October (had you heard?) and the opening ceremony would therefore be a MAJOR CELEBRATION was just icing on the cake with sprinkles.

As you can probably imagine, anybody within about a 5 mile radius of Fenway was in full Red Sox gear (my party included). And the just by the sheer number of people in total excitement mode within a 10 mile radius of the park, I couldn't help but wonder, "Does anyone in Boston work!?"

I guess that's why they call Opening Day the first unofficial holiday of the year in Boston.

Once inside the park, we had the required beers, Fenway Franks in hand and got to our seats, which are along the first base line, just as the outfield begins.

The Boston Pops played as the "2007 World Series Champions" flag was draped over the Green Monster. Talk about chills!

Then they announced the Boston Bruins, Boston Celtics and New England Patriots players who had come to celebrate the festivities. I was happy to see my mom's bud Tedy Bruschi had made the trip there. ;)

And then it was time for the ring ceremony.

The players came out one by one to receive their rings to a huge standing ovation, with the Boston Pops playing a different song for each guy.

Of course, you probably already know (or can make an educated guess about) what they played when Jonathan Papelbon came out:

I was hoping to get a little dance out of him, but I guess the timing wouldn't have been too appropriate. Oh well.

And then it was time for the first pitch. Now, I was kind of too young in 1986 to fully appreciate the whole hullabaloo around Bill Buckner's fateful error in the playoffs.

I just remember still hearing about it years later and thinking, "It couldn't have been JUST this guy's fault they lost."

In any case, there was some chattering in the stands about who would be throwing out the first pitch. The annoying woman from Medford behind us (who did not stop talking loudly the entire game) had heard it was going to be Bill Buckner.

Well, soon enough we discovered she was right. (She was, however, wrong in saying that the New Kids On the Block would be singing the National Anthem, thank goodness. As one of my brothers said, if they wanted to hear 40,000 drunk people boo, bringing out NKOTB would have been a good move.)

When they announced that Bill Buckner would be throwing the first pitch, and he started walking to the pitcher's mound from left field, the crowd went crazy. I'm not sure about the name of the piece the Boston Pops was playing as he walked out, but it fit the moment perfectly.

Buckner was wiping his eyes as he walked out, waving to the cheering crowd,  and I must say, even I felt myself getting a little Verklempt. It was a beautiful thing to witness.

Then, during the 6th inning, we heard another person sitting behind us say, "I just saw Aerosmith when I went to get a beer! He was surrounded by like a million security people."

Now, we all know (besides, of course, that guy) that Aerosmith is a band, not a person. He was obviously referring to Steven Tyler OF Aerosmith. And lo and behold, guess who came out during the 7th inning stretch to sing "America The Beautiful?"

One a little bit feminine looking Steven Tyler. We were pretty close to him, so I was able to get a few good shots. Here's one:

The actual game itself was pretty uneventful, but the Red Sox did shut out the Detroit Tigers, so the "win" part was pretty nice.

It was a good day.

 

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Yesterday we celebrated my nephew Benjamin's 1st birthday.

When I arrived at my sister Audrey's house, family and friends were talking and laughing, gathering together around the food counter or in the living room or down in the basement.

Kids were running around the house in packs, planning kickball teams and donning their newly-made paper crowns.

There was excitement everywhere. And then I spotted the birthday boy.

Benjamin was clinging to my dad (his "Pop-up") on the couch, while sitting on his lap. His big, round, blue eyes took everything around him in.

"Happy Birthday, Benja!" I exclaimed, giving him a big kiss on his rosy, just-asking-to-be-pinched cheek.

He gave me a little smile, but didn't unclench his fingers from my dad's shirt, and could barely keep his eyes from darting around, following every noise and movement he heard and saw.

He seemed to be thinking, "Why are all these people in my house, and more importantly, when are they leaving?"

It reminded me of one of Jerry Seinfeld's stand-up routines, where once again, he was so spot-on with an observation about everyday life:

"To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's going on.

Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles. You can't do it...you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on?

It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgment. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you, 'These are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.'"

Indeed, when it was time for us to all sing "Happy Birthday" to Benjamin, he glanced around with a look of horror at the two dozen or so people gathered around his high chair.

Our pitch was terribly off-key, but his quivering lower lip seemed to imply that that was the least of his worries.

When Benjamin's eyes found my mom's (his Grandma's) face, he reached out to her hand, which seemed to calm him amidst the confusion.

"Grandma, I would rather be taking a nap right now," he seemed to be telling her.

And as Audrey placed the cupcake with one lit candle in front of him, I couldn't help but think that on any day other than his 1st birthday party, if Audrey were to hand him an object on fire, we would think she's nuts. But on his 1st birthday, we just kind of expect him to rationalize the concept of a lit candle on a cupcake and know what to do.

My husband and I were among the last people to leave Audrey's house at the end of the party. I saw Audrey look around at the empty pizza boxes, the bowls and cups and plates strewn about her kitchen and the new birthday gifts to put away.

But rather than looking like she was dreading getting her house back to normal, instead I saw a look of relief on her face. The party had gone off without a hitch. Everyone had a good time. And now the house was... quiet(er) again.

But no one had a look of relief as clear as Benjamin's. I think for his next birthday, he'll be more prepared.

And he'll try to arrange his nap time accordingly.

- Jane

Girls Gone Stupid

Girls, young women, ladies... all ya'll, listen up.

Do not take your clothes off for this man:

I cannot emphasize this enough.

Oh, that smiling face? It's one Joe Francis. In his mugshot.

You may not be familiar with the name Joe Francis, but you may be more inclined to recognize the name of his company, which has brought him the fame he enjoys - "Girls Gone Wild."

Yes, that is the face up there of the man for whom intoxicated smashed idiotic dimwitted co-eds take off their clothes.

What do these fine young ladies get in return? A GGW t-shirt? More beer? Public humiliation? All of the above?

Is it worth it, girls?

Look, at this point in my life, there are three people in this world for whom I will take my clothes off.

My doctor (because I have to). My husband (I won't go there). And George Clooney (call me!).

But even when I was in my late teens/early twenties, I know I still made "showing skin" decisions based on what future repercussions would be.

Ergo, if Mr. Francis The Sleazeball had approached me on Spring Break or at a bar, dangling a carrot in front of me to lift my top on camera, you can bet your ass I would have responded with a big, fat "Step off!"

There have been nights that I haven't been able to get to sleep, so I've turned on the television to kill the time. There's not much to watch at 3 A.M. beyond Magic Bullet infomercials and "Girls Gone Wild" commercials. I've watched the Magic Bullet debacle enough times that shooting a bullet at the TV has crossed my mind, so I've had to move on to the GGW freak show.

All I can think when I'm watching it is, "What if someone who had just interviewed me for a job... or my next-door neighbor... or my mailman... or my brother(!) was watching this... and all of a sudden they saw me pop into the screen exposing my lady bits to the world?"

Mortifying thought. I cringe just thinking about it. And so I end up just getting mad at the half-wits who put themselves in these situations. Yes, the whole GGW idea is just gross. But these girls have to be held responsible for their decisions, too.

The reason that this is on my mind is because I recently read that Mr. Francis The Sleazeball had approached Ashley Alexandra Dupre, former Governor Eliot Spitzer's favorite call girl, this genius:

... with a $1 million offer to take part in the 2008 GGW Spring Break tour. Gross enough, right?

But then the next day, Mr. Francis The Sleazeball reneged on the offer because he had found 5-year-old video of Ms. Dupre in the GGW archives.

She had, in fact, spent a week aboard the GGW bus in Miami back in 2003. A week isn't a long time, but it was apparently enough for Ms. Dupre to get some nice girl-on-girl action and other naked escapades caught on tape.

I don't know who to be more disgusted with, the man with no morals, the girl with no self-respect, or the people who actually buy this crap (because someone is paying the $29.95 monthly subscription to the GGW website).

I don't see any end in sight to the glamorization of idiotic behavior. Because as I type this, I guarantee there is a GGW bus at some Spring Break location, filming away. And there are plenty of girls supplying the camera crew with the footage they're looking for.

But I'll tell you one thing, if you ever find me in a provocative position on film, you can bet your ass it would involve George Clooney.

- Jane

The forgotten state

Have you heard? There are some BIG presidential primaries taking place today!

Ohio!

Texas!

Oh, and VermontandRhodeIsland.

I don't know about my fellow New England mamas in Vermont, but this Rhode Island mama feels a little left out of all the excitement.

Yes, Hillary made an appearance here a few weeks ago. Bill Clinton made a speech here on Friday. And Obama spoke to a big crowd here on Saturday.

But other than that, we've been pretty ignored. We're not one of the "big two" states that will be a determining factor in whether or not Hillary will continue to run. It's all about Ohio and Texas.

That's OK, though. I will still make my way to the poll today and make my vote, even though I'm still technically undecided.

Wish me luck - I've heard the poll venues are jam packed today. Yes, even in little ol' forgotten Rhode Island!

- Jane