The Bed's Too Big Without You

When warm spring breezes begin to blow, we will make one last transition in the sleeping arrangements of our children:  we will move our son to his own bed. 

D (the blog name for our third and last child) has never slept anywhere  but in our big king-size bed, between my husband and I.  He sleeps quietly, clutching his bizarre choice of lovies (which have ranged from a tube of CARS toothpaste to a pointy metal airplane).   We plan to make the move before his fourth birthday arrives.

Yes, you read that right.  He will be four years old  in September.

We hadn't set out to be a family of co-sleepers.  Before my first daughter was born in January 2001, we had a 'nursery painting party' with my mom and sister.   I researched cribs and settled on a sturdy white one with a good mattress, fun mobile and warm purple fitted crib sheet.

And then she was born. 

I remember before she was born, older moms would tell me to enjoy my sleep.  I had no idea what they meant, mainly because I had such horrific heartburn and rib pain, sleep was not my friend during my late pregnancy.  After a few days home with a hungry newborn, though, I knew what they meant.  She wanted to nurse All The Time.  I was recovering from a painful and unexpected c-section.  It was hard to move her to her crib, or even to the cradle attached to our bed.  One night, exhausted, I feel asleep with her on my chest.  I woke with a start:  was she breathing?  Why wasn't she crying? 

It was then I realized that she was the calmest and happiest I had ever seen her, sleeping quietly in my arms, against my chest. 

We still tried to use the crib, but I didn't have the stomach for crying-it-out (I don't think the mom is supposed to cry more than the infant).  It seemed kind of crazy to let her scream when the crying turned off immediately the second I held her or placed her next to me in our bed.

And, thus, our 'family bed' was born.

Two years later, I gave birth to our second daughter.  For a while, we were all four in the bed, but soon moved our oldest to a bed in the 'nursery' (which was now a guest room having never really been used as a nursery).  My husband began to sleep with our oldest to give me alone time with a needy infant.

But, for those who think, "well that sounds nice, but it must've been death to their sex life", all I can say is that when #2 was a mere 9 months old, I found out I was pregnant with #3.  In other words, our sex life was, and is, just fine, thankyouverymuch.

Before #3 was born, we gave away our crib.  There was no need to even pretend it would be used.

Things were tricky for a while after our little man was born.  Jilly (#2) is the wiggliest sleeper ever, plus she suffered from screaming fits in the middle of the night.  We moved her to a mattress on the floor next to our bed which worked out fairly well, although, yes, there were nights when all of them tried to fit into our not-so-big-anymore king. 

Once we moved the girls into their own room together, we saw improvements in our overnight life.  When they feel needy, they sleep together in their full-size beds.  I've been known to crawl under their covers to comfort them after a scary dream.   Occasionally, I wake to find one of them has crawled into the tiny space between me and the edge of the bed.  I just pick her up and return her to her bed. 

And, our son?  He sleeps like a stone----a warm, soft, sweet stone that reaches out to touch my face in the night.  Even Fairly Odd Father said that he'd miss him when he leaves the bed.  It's a milestone that neither of us is eager to reach.  I think about D in his own bed, in his own room, alone, and it makes me sad.  I may just have to get a dog to sleep on his bed. 

So whenever a new pregnant mom tells me that she "has to" get a crib, I smile and think about our family.  And I feel a bit wistful about the transition to come and about the space in our bed that will no longer be warmed by our little guy.

Maybe we should get two dogs.

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Considering co-sleeping?  Do it safely.

Comments

[Krystan]

I am in tears now, just thinking about it. It's unbelievable how fast it goes! It seems like only yesterday I was losing my mind with four of us in a queen bed. Now I feel lonely!

[Kate]

Awww, babies. We didn't cosleep all in the same bed on a regular basis, because I'm hard of hearing and my husband tosses and turns like it's an Olympic event. But we have a bassinet pulled next to the bed for at least 6 months, and then a long, slow transition out.

Sigh.

My son, at least, is still a cuddler, and will come lie on me in the mornings or if I take a nap on the couch. My daughter lacks the patience and as soon as she is conscious she's off to the next thing.

[Maddy]

I think it's the nesting instinct! I frequently find all three of my little ones in the same bed.
Best wishes

[Shannon]

Oh I can relate to everything your saying! We have a beautiful crib with the best mattress that was never used. We still haven't made the transistions to the beds yet but partly because its tough for us! Good luck to you...it will be a weird feeling to just sleep with your husband!

[suburbancorrespondent]

Yes, I don't know what I'll do when (if?) our youngest ever moves into her own bed. She is such a good cuddle! Usually I kick them out when I become pregnant and irritable with the next baby; but this time, there is no next baby kicking away inside my belly to keep me company at night. Sigh. After more than 16 years, it will seem strange to have the bed all to ourselves.

And, as you mentioned, it doesn't seem to have interfered with our intimate marital relations....

[AMC]

Well I for one hope that it is a mutual thing between FOP and D. The less tears the better (for everyone).

Good luck with this, I know it will be hard.

[pinks & blues girls]

Even though we each had our own rooms, Audrey and I slept in the same bed together for years. Keeping each other company, and talking to each other as we fell asleep, was wonderful for sisterly bonding. I love having our dogs sleeping with us in bed. It feels empty when it's just me and Steve!!

Jane, Pinks & Blues

[Kate]

I had never heard of cosleeping before I had kids! But we have everyone in with us most nights. Both kids have their own beds, but my dd (almost 4) starts out in hers and most of the time wanders in a little after midnight, and my ds (20 months) sleeps in with us at night & naps in his bed during the day. Sometimes it's crowded, but we love it anyway:)

[Kate]

Oh, and whenever people ask how we are able to keep the sex life going - I just remind them that we have the whole rest of the house for that! That is usually the end of the conversation;)