Where Has The Romance Gone?

I'm pretty sure I speak for many, many women when I share my distaste for Valentine's Day.  All of the cloying commercials - the bedecking of diamonds that is obviously going on in every 2-parent household in America except mine - really grate on my last nerve.  Me?  I look at those commercials and grit my teeth in appalled cynicism while the music fades away, muttering under my breath about the projected cost of a college education in 10 years and the wretched poor around the world who dig those diamonds out of the earth.

Boy, I sound like heaps of fun, don't I?  I know you want to invite me over now! 

Let me explain.  I have been a lucky woman on the romance front.  My husband and I met in 22 years ago in college, when he was 18 and I was 20.  I'd had one other serious boyfriend, who broke my heart.  My husband had just arrived at a certain famous male-dominated engineering college in Boston fresh from 5 years at a rigorously academic all-male school.   I say that not to brag about my brilliant guy, but to give you kind readers an indication of the social niceties that were lacking from  his experience.  Ahem.

The very first night we met, though, we clicked.  I still remember some of the things we talked about, and how there was a feeling of recognition that ran through our conversation.  His fraternity was having a Halloween party, and all the clocks were stopped to show midnight.  Neither of us wore a watch, and at some point, late in the evening, we decided to walk down the street to the ATM to see what time it really was.

His fraternity was on the same street in Cambridge as the old Necco factory.  Now, it is labs and offices, but back then, it was still the Necco factory.  We walked down Mass. Ave,  dark except for the streetlights, and as we approached the block where the factory was, he stopped me to point out the one tiny little window up at the top of the building that was still lit up. 

"That's where they keep the Ooompa Loompahs," he whispered, with utter solemness, and put his arm around me.  It was so unexpected, and goofy, and I wasn't sure I could think of him that way,  but once we got past the cloddish fits and starts that all young people go through, we just... fit.

So, I'm talking about  romance, right?   Throughout the years, I have been the lucky recipient of truly romantic gestures... but experience has shown me that the romance we are shown in popular culture has little to do with the romance *I* have experienced. 

Ask me about his proposal, and I burst into laughter.  The short answer is that he didn't - we just talked about it until we were on the same page and that was that.  Ask me about the moment our eyes met after the birth of our daughter, and I'll get sidetracked telling you about the god-awful post-partum repair I had to go through.  Ask me about our wedding, and we'll look at each other and start smirking about how the band leader kept repeatedly instructing him to "Dance with your bride, JOHN."  In case you hadn't guessed, his name is not John.   

My point is that romance is not found when and where the greeting card companies tell you it will be waiting for you. 

Instead, here are a few stories of true romance:  He sent me care packages of Smart Food popcorn when I was teaching in Kenya, way back before cell phones and FedEx and CDs.  He took aerograms to his house meetings and made his fraternity brothers write to me, then staggered the mailings so I would receive mail almost every day. 

After college, he lived in Chicago while I stayed in Boston for a year, and he once drove the entire way without telling me he was coming to visit to surprise me.  He called me several times along the way to tell me how sorry he was that he couldn't come that weekend, and I nearly fainted when the doorbell rang that Saturday night and there he was.  He had to turn right around the next morning to drive back.

When he was traveling and interviewing for residency programs his senior year in medical school, he hid cards around our apartment.  He was gone for weeks at a time, and we'd talk every night, and when he thought I was getting too sad or lonely, he'd say something like, "Why don't you go open the file cabinet and pull out the car insurance file."  I'd do it, and inside, I'd find a card he'd hidden weeks before - he'd hid them around the house and kept a list with him as he traveled, so he wouldn't forget where he put them.

I could go on and on, and I'm not even sharing the things I've done for him.  It can be so hard when you are raising children, and work gets stressful, and life gets busy, to remember these moments.  Truthfully?  Our relationship is not as focused on each other as it used to be... but I know we try, in ways large and small, to appreciate what we have and not get caught up the days whirling by.

I'll spend Valentine's Day this year discussing my son's developmental delays at a doctor's appointment, and I'll keep snickering and muttering at the commercials where the well-preserved man drapes the well-preserved woman in diamonds, and my husband and I will keep kissing in front of our kids, and somehow?  We'll try to keep the romance alive.

Comments

[Kate]

A lovely post.

We don't celebrate V-Day here. I make cards with the kids to hand out at school, because who needs one extra reason to stand out from the crowd at 3 and 7? But my husband has been well-trained in the mantra: "A fistful of ditch flowers on some random Tuesday mean more than a box of chocolates and a diamond on Valentine's Day."

[Maddy]

I certainly find the 'hallmarkiness' [is that a word?] fairly nauseating myself. However, the 'inclusiveness' of Valentines Day out here in the States is growing on me.
Best wishes

[Isdihara]

*sigh* What a wonderful post! I, a self-professed lover of Valentine's Day (I ignore all those diamond commercials), at first thought I wouldn't enjoy reading, but the payoff was BIG and warmed my heart.

Keep writing! I'll keep reading...

Isdihara
blog: isdihara.blogspot.com

[Simone]

Umm, that could quite possibly be the sweetest post I have ever read! Hidden cards, are you kidding me? Talk about heart-melting...congrats on keeping the romance alive! For me on Vday there is nothing better than a warm, intimate dinner at home (as laid back as possible, in my opinion!) I just believe that it is so, soo important to have a day where you focus on your loved one and letting them know how much they mean to you. I just so happen to have the inside scoop on a fantastic contest about love and expressing love going on right now that you ladies should definitely take a quick peek at sometime; I work for Dove Chocolates (perfect for this time of year, huh? haha) and we have this contest going on right now called the "Expressions of Love" contest, where we're basically asking ladies like you to submit their most creative ideas for letting someone know you love them...and get this, the winner will receive a 5.58cts "Baby's Breath" diamond necklace worth $21,000!! THAT would definitely be a nice trinket to open on Vday ;) I'd definitely love to have some ladies like you who really do care about Valentine's day enter, so feel free to go to www.mydovechocolate.com and leave your most creative submission!
We also have these ridiculously adorable customizable boxes of chocolates available for Vday this year, so if you're trying to think of cute gift ideas, definitely take a look ;)
Thank you ladies, hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day, and let me know if you enter! :0)

[Manic Mommy]

Gasp! He didn't go to Jarrod?!

Yours sounds dreamy.

We hug and kiss in front of the boys and they join in the hug.

[Kate]

This post reminds me of a great quote I read once - "Love is what we eat from one bowl and it fills us." Kind of uber-Zen, but I like the idea of love being the day to day that carries us on.

I do like Valentine's day - but from a cute decoration & baked good stand-point. We don't usually exchange gifts...we just have a romantic dinner, but that's something we try to do once a month or so anyhow!

[Major Bedhead]

Oh my god, that's the sweetest thing I've ever read. I'm all teary-eyed over here.

I put up a post about my loathing of Valentine's day today, too. It's not nearly as sweet as yours.