My Ultimate: How to Survive a Booty Call

("My Ultimate" will run most Tuesdays and will feature any topic that hops into my head.  The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of the other New England Mamas. . . although they should).

Many women spend a lot of time worrying about their butt:  Is it too big?  Too flat?  Too wide?  Does my ass look too big in these jeans?  (don't answer that too quickly, mister).

I daresay, though, that many women do not spend much time thinking about their colon.  This is a shame since colorectal cancer strikes an equal amount of women as it does men.   The kicker?  This cancer is one of the most easily prevented cancers. 

Last September, I thought a heck of a lot about my colon because I had a colonoscopy.   Although the general recommendation is that people start getting colonoscopies at the age of 50, I was told to start ten years earlier due to a family history of this disease.   Some people should start getting screened as young as 30 depending on their risk factors. 

The idea of getting a colonoscopy scares a lot of people.  I've talked to many whose reaction is, "There is no way anyone is sticking a tube up my butt!"  So, when I had to get one myself, I decided to write about it so that some people could learn what a real procedure was like. 

In honor of March being National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month (NCRCAM for 'short'), I will republish my posts from September for those of you who are still thinking, "There is no way. . .". 

Day One:  The Prep  (written at about 8:30 pm, the night before the procedure)

I've had a few disgusting things happen to me in my life: I've had two non-wiggly baby teeth knocked out of my mouth by a sadistic dentist who didn't use Novocaine;

I've broken my arm and watched as the doctor squeezed the two bones back together;

I've had my bladder partially fall out of me;

I've given birth three times. While these were beautiful events, what comes out after the babies arrive is NOT pretty;

I've also had, like most people, the common stomach bugs, morning sicknesses and snot-filled, allergy-ridden springs.

But, nothing could quite prepare me for tonight.

I'm preparing for my first-ever colonoscopy and thought that the worst part of it would be the procedure in the morning.

But, after fasting all day long and then drinking 80 ounces of somewhat thick, salty-sweet liquid, I've changed my mind.

I am dreaming of food and, inexplicably, unable to watch anything on TV but Top Chef and The Food Network. I almost licked the television screen when they made a muffaletta, despite the fact that I rarely eat any meat.

I'm dreaming of food even during the "cleansing", which is pretty remarkable.

Oh, the cleansing. If you've ever told anyone they are full of shit, well, think again, because you are too. Yes, you are full of more shit than you think is possible.

I am astounded by this, and hungry. And probably 10 pounds lighter. Wait, let me go check that one. . .

Nope, dammit, exactly the same weight. How is that possible???

OK, all appears to be quiet in the belly region. I'm off to bed to dream about muffaletta and bagels and goat cheese and french fries and ice cream.

Day Two:  The Procedure (written around 6:00pm)

After yesterday's post, which was full of poop and woe, I feel kind of silly posting tonight.

I think I get it now. . .prepping for a colonoscopy: kind of yucky; having the actual colonoscopy: as easy as taking a nap.

Seriously, once the sedatives were put into my body, I disappeared into la-la land, waking only to think, "Oh, this must be the beginning", but hearing the doctor say, "All done!"

I had planned to chat throughout the entire procedure, a la Katie Couric. Instead, I probably snored.

Once I had regained consciousness, I was relieved to hear that all looked good---one polyp was removed and will be biopsied, but this is apparently pretty common. I was on my feet and scarfing down an egg-and-cheese bagel sandwich before Fairly Odd Father's car drove us out of the parking lot.

One benefit of the fasting? It allowed me to see what a flat stomach looks like. Either that or I hallucinated due to lack of food.

I am a bit worried that yesterday's post may have convinced some people never to have a colonoscopy, so I will attempt to re-convince those of you who feel this way.

First, fasting isn't THAT bad. You can eat popsicles, jello and drink soda! You can feel virtuous, like "my body is my temple and I will not eat for a whole day!" Plus, after I got through the night, I was no longer hungry in the morning (that is, until the bagel sandwich appeared in front of me).

Second, here is a tip for drinking down glass after glass of HalfLytely (the stuff that will 'cleanse' your system): pretend you are in college, at a bar. Grab your glass like a shot and drink it all---yes, all 8 ounces at once (you know you could do this at one time). As soon as the glass is empty, grab a piece of lime and suck it. The lime wipes away all the nasty taste from your mouth, plus you can almost pretend you just drank a tequila shot. If the fasting is going well, you'll be a bit dizzy anyway, so the illusion of drinking is there. If you repeat this every ten minutes, you will be finished with the solution in less than an hour and a half.

Third, make sure you have NO responsibilities after 6pm. Lock yourself in your bedroom and keep the path to the bathroom open. Watch TV, read, play on the computer, whatever. Light lots of candles in the bathroom for odor control. When you feel the rumbling, run for the bathroom. Repeat this until the rumbling quiets down. I was still able to get a decent night's sleep, with minimal interruption.

Finally, schedule your appointment for first-thing in the morning. My appointment was at 8am, and I was out of the hospital by 9:30. Just get it over with before you have too much time to wake up and worry about it.

All joking aside, do me one favor: ask your parents when they had their last colonoscopy, and if you are 50 or older (or as young as 30 with family history), ask yourself. The procedure is so easy, mostly painless (even the cleansing was pain-free; it isn't like having diarreah because there are no terrible stomach aches or gas) and quick.

Colorectal cancer is a horrible, terribly painful disease, and yet preventable with regular screenings. I lost my dad to it when he was only 62 years old, and that was because he let too much time pass between his appointments. Don't let too much time pass for you.

Comments

[margaret]

People always dread fasting and think they can't do it, myself included. But I've done it for various surgeries and procedures. The longest was the 45 HOURS I was in labor for Moe. I was allowed the minimum amount of ice and water as humanly possible for that time. And all because I probably should have had a c-section but was trying my hardest to avoid it. And there was a high likely hood that I would have ended up with one anyway.

[cate]

I had a colonoscopy a few years ago. It wasn't fun, but hey, cancer isn't either. Your description is right on. The prep is worse than the test.

Additional hints for the drink: if it's prescription, get it in advance. I had to go to three pharmacies to find one that had it in stock. Make it up early and put it in the fridge so you can drink it cold, it's marginally better. And I used Haagen-Dasz Lemon Sorbet as a chaser.

[Emma kw]

Thankyou. My Father-in-Law died last year, March 14th< from bowel cancer, at age 64. I am still angry at him. He ignored doctors who told him to stop eating his fried, fatty, no fresh veg diet ( he was always a skinny bloke, and thought he could eat what he wanted), stop smoking ( yes, he even went out for a smoke after his chemo), and generally died from a cancer that was curable if he'd only gotten a colonoscopy when he was 50! But George thought he knew better, ignored his symptoms until it was too late, and died a long, painful death. So please, get your colon checked, it's so much easier than living with a colostomy bag.
And that goes for your boobs and your cervix, ladies! If only we could get a combo mammo/pap/colon test!! With the sedative as described by FOM!

[Chicky Chicky Baby]

I'll second the horrible, painful disease sentiment. My mom died of colon cancer, as you know, and I'll have to have a colonoscopy once I've had this baby. I'm 35, my mom was diagnosed at 44. Colon cancer can happen at almost any age so get checked! No one should have to die from that stupid disease.

[annette]

I'm only 35 and I've had two colonoscopies because I have ulcerative colitis and therefore a higher risk of colon cancer. You're so right about the worst part being the prep! My best advice is for those who aren't vegetarians - don't eat meat the day before you do the prep - it's much easier that way!

[Velma]

Thanks for this post! I, too, had a relative die (uncle, age 60) because he just ignored his symptoms and refused to admit something might be wrong. I have diverticulosis and had a colonoscopy a few years back, and I'll tell anyone who wants to listen how easy it was... except for the prep, since no one mentioned that I might want to get some help with the kids while I was cleansing my colon that day.

[Whinuerie]

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you.
I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
-- J. Wellington Wells

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http://ebloggy.com/scottstantonnq

[Alan]

Many thanks to Fairly Odd Mother and New England Mamas, I just returned from having my first colonoscopy at the age of 63. Of course I’d read all the statistics and seen the appeals from Katy Curic on TV but, to be honest, I’m a wimp and very frugal. But reading the stories by real people like yourselves about losing loved ones to colon cancer was the real wake up for me to stop being stupid, at least in that area.

The prep was reasonable and like clock work, according to the instructions on the HalfLytely package. The action began in 1 ¼ hours and was over by evening so I could get a good night’s sleep without grossing out my wife. The greatest discomfort was the hunger and thirst. Eating is one of my favorite things.

And, oh yes, I had only one “itsy, bitsy, yellow polka dot polyp” according to my doc.

I wish you well,

Alan Moody

[Alan]

Many thanks to Fairly Odd Mother and New England Mamas, I just returned from having my first colonoscopy at the age of 63. Of course I’d read all the statistics and seen the appeals from Katy Curic on TV but, to be honest, I’m a wimp and very frugal. But reading the stories by real people like yourselves about losing loved ones to colon cancer was the real wake up for me to stop being stupid, at least in that area.

The prep was reasonable and like clock work, according to the instructions on the HalfLytely package. The action began in 1 ¼ hours and was over by evening so I could get a good night’s sleep without grossing out my wife. The greatest discomfort was the hunger and thirst. Eating is one of my favorite things.

And, oh yes, I had only one “itsy, bitsy, yellow polka dot polyp” according to my doc.

I wish you well,

Alan Moody

[SZ]

In case you were wondering, this page comes up when you Google "colonoscopy lemon sorbet." (I am having my first colonoscopy tomorrow and was wondering if lemon sorbet was OK to eat. I guess it is.) I take the MoviPrep soon. Kinda dreading it, but your post makes me realize I will get through this. Thanks!

[SZ]

In case you were wondering, this page comes up when you Google "colonoscopy lemon sorbet." (I am having my first colonoscopy tomorrow and was wondering if lemon sorbet was OK to eat. I guess it is.) I take the MoviPrep soon. Kinda dreading it, but your post makes me realize I will get through this. Thanks!

[SZ]

In case you were wondering, this page comes up when you Google "colonoscopy lemon sorbet." (I am having my first colonoscopy tomorrow and was wondering if lemon sorbet was OK to eat. I guess it is.) I take the MoviPrep soon. Kinda dreading it, but your post makes me realize I will get through this. Thanks!

[SZ]

In case you were wondering, this page comes up when you Google "colonoscopy lemon sorbet." (I am having my first colonoscopy tomorrow and was wondering if lemon sorbet was OK to eat. I guess it is.) I take the MoviPrep soon. Kinda dreading it, but your post makes me realize I will get through this. Thanks!

[SZ]

In case you were wondering, this page comes up when you Google "colonoscopy lemon sorbet." (I am having my first colonoscopy tomorrow and was wondering if lemon sorbet was OK to eat. I guess it is.) I take the MoviPrep soon. Kinda dreading it, but your post makes me realize I will get through this. Thanks!

[SZ]

In case you were wondering, this page comes up when you Google "colonoscopy lemon sorbet." (I am having my first colonoscopy tomorrow and was wondering if lemon sorbet was OK to eat. I guess it is.) I take the MoviPrep soon. Kinda dreading it, but your post makes me realize I will get through this. Thanks!

[hooka]

This is my first time visiting chickychickybaby.blogspot.com and i must say i like it very much.
Your article was an interesting read.
I will definetly come back here more often!



hooka

[wesReedlylava]

[color=#663300]Hi,
I am a 30 years old chick, in love wth life, so I have many hobbies: going out with my friends,practice some sports (tennis), go our in the evening to a discoteque, so all the things that ladies like me do always. I also have a true passion for [/color] [url=http://www.medical-cannabis.info]marijuana seeds[/url] [color=#663300]. It' a recent love but very deep.I love to stay home and burn it a lot. I think that one day we will party all together. What do you think about it?
Kisses,
Shana[/color]

[ostomy pouches]

On Emma kw, thanks. You are right about those stuffs!

-Luigi

[jenny]

the colonoscopy is east; the sedation drugs (versed) are terrible....think you had a great exam and that you were asleep? wrong, you were an amnesic, imobile piece of meat and versed gave you temporary amnesia....just wait until the nightmares start

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Hi Jenny,

I'm sorry to read you had an adverse reaction to the sedation drugs----I've had sedation twice for different procedures and woke up feeling refreshed, not groggy at all, and definitely didn't have nightmares afterward (or amnesia---I'm still as flighty as ever!). I suppose with any drugs, there are potential side effects, but I'd still recommend sedation over general anesthesia any day.

[colonoscopy risks]

I take the MoviPrep soon. Kinda dreading it, but your post makes me realize I will get through this. Thanks!

[Prepping Today]

Mass General says sorbet is okay. See http://www2.massgeneral.org/gensurg/pdf/colorectal_perspectives-ii.pdf I took them at their word and loaded up this morning with jello and sorbet.

[buy viagra]

Weed can provide for some people some kind of relaxation after a hard week of work, many use it for fun, those are call "everyday smokers". I don't see no wrong on people smoking weed, as long they behave and don't begin to do stupid things.

[Generic Viagra]

I mean, all my life people have called me lazy, but now we know I was sick, and that's why I've set up the patient group, Unmotivated Anonymous, and we've got some corporate sponsorship, we've got a website and we intend to raise public awareness about this genuine disease.

[Emmy Summers]

Sedation is okay for me. I had all my dental operation while sedated because I'm so afraid of the dental drill. Luckily, there is an option like that and I survived it, hehe. Get well soon!