My Ultimate: How to Survive a Booty Call

March 04, 2008

My Ultimate: How to Survive a Booty Call

("My Ultimate" will run most Tuesdays and will feature any topic that hops into my head. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of the other New England Mamas. . . although they should).

Many women spend a lot of time worrying about their butt: Is it too big? Too flat? Too wide? Does my ass look too big in these jeans? (don't answer that too quickly, mister).

I daresay, though, that many women do not spend much time thinking about their colon. This is a shame since colorectal cancer strikes an equal amount of women as it does men. The kicker? This cancer is one of the most easily prevented cancers.

Last September, I thought a heck of a lot about my colon because I had a colonoscopy. Although the general recommendation is that people start getting colonoscopies at the age of 50, I was told to start ten years earlier due to a family history of this disease. Some people should start getting screened as young as 30 depending on their risk factors.

The idea of getting a colonoscopy scares a lot of people. I've talked to many whose reaction is, "There is no way anyone is sticking a tube up my butt!" So, when I had to get one myself, I decided to write about it so that some people could learn what a real procedure was like.

In honor of March being National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month (NCRCAM for 'short'), I will republish my posts from September for those of you who are still thinking, "There is no way. . .".

Day One: The Prep (written at about 8:30 pm, the night before the procedure)

I've had a few disgusting things happen to me in my life: I've had two non-wiggly baby teeth knocked out of my mouth by a sadistic dentist who didn't use Novocaine;

I've broken my arm and watched as the doctor squeezed the two bones back together;

I've had my bladder partially fall out of me;

I've given birth three times. While these were beautiful events, what comes out after the babies arrive is NOT pretty;

I've also had, like most people, the common stomach bugs, morning sicknesses and snot-filled, allergy-ridden springs.

But, nothing could quite prepare me for tonight.

I'm preparing for my first-ever colonoscopy and thought that the worst part of it would be the procedure in the morning.

But, after fasting all day long and then drinking 80 ounces of somewhat thick, salty-sweet liquid, I've changed my mind.

I am dreaming of food and, inexplicably, unable to watch anything on TV but Top Chef and The Food Network. I almost licked the television screen when they made a muffaletta, despite the fact that I rarely eat any meat.

I'm dreaming of food even during the "cleansing", which is pretty remarkable.

Oh, the cleansing. If you've ever told anyone they are full of shit, well, think again, because you are too. Yes, you are full of more shit than you think is possible.

I am astounded by this, and hungry. And probably 10 pounds lighter. Wait, let me go check that one. . .

Nope, dammit, exactly the same weight. How is that possible???

OK, all appears to be quiet in the belly region. I'm off to bed to dream about muffaletta and bagels and goat cheese and french fries and ice cream.

Day Two: The Procedure (written around 6:00pm)

After yesterday's post, which was full of poop and woe, I feel kind of silly posting tonight.

I think I get it now. . .prepping for a colonoscopy: kind of yucky; having the actual colonoscopy: as easy as taking a nap.

Seriously, once the sedatives were put into my body, I disappeared into la-la land, waking only to think, "Oh, this must be the beginning", but hearing the doctor say, "All done!"

I had planned to chat throughout the entire procedure, a la Katie Couric. Instead, I probably snored.

Once I had regained consciousness, I was relieved to hear that all looked good---one polyp was removed and will be biopsied, but this is apparently pretty common. I was on my feet and scarfing down an egg-and-cheese bagel sandwich before Fairly Odd Father's car drove us out of the parking lot.

One benefit of the fasting? It allowed me to see what a flat stomach looks like. Either that or I hallucinated due to lack of food.

I am a bit worried that yesterday's post may have convinced some people never to have a colonoscopy, so I will attempt to re-convince those of you who feel this way.

First, fasting isn't THAT bad. You can eat popsicles, jello and drink soda! You can feel virtuous, like "my body is my temple and I will not eat for a whole day!" Plus, after I got through the night, I was no longer hungry in the morning (that is, until the bagel sandwich appeared in front of me).

Second, here is a tip for drinking down glass after glass of HalfLytely (the stuff that will 'cleanse' your system): pretend you are in college, at a bar. Grab your glass like a shot and drink it all---yes, all 8 ounces at once (you know you could do this at one time). As soon as the glass is empty, grab a piece of lime and suck it. The lime wipes away all the nasty taste from your mouth, plus you can almost pretend you just drank a tequila shot. If the fasting is going well, you'll be a bit dizzy anyway, so the illusion of drinking is there. If you repeat this every ten minutes, you will be finished with the solution in less than an hour and a half.

Third, make sure you have NO responsibilities after 6pm. Lock yourself in your bedroom and keep the path to the bathroom open. Watch TV, read, play on the computer, whatever. Light lots of candles in the bathroom for odor control. When you feel the rumbling, run for the bathroom. Repeat this until the rumbling quiets down. I was still able to get a decent night's sleep, with minimal interruption.

Finally, schedule your appointment for first-thing in the morning. My appointment was at 8am, and I was out of the hospital by 9:30. Just get it over with before you have too much time to wake up and worry about it.

All joking aside, do me one favor: ask your parents when they had their last colonoscopy, and if you are 50 or older (or as young as 30 with family history), ask yourself. The procedure is so easy, mostly painless (even the cleansing was pain-free; it isn't like having diarreah because there are no terrible stomach aches or gas) and quick.

Colorectal cancer is a horrible, terribly painful disease, and yet preventable with regular screenings. I lost my dad to it when he was only 62 years old, and that was because he let too much time pass between his appointments. Don't let too much time pass for you.

Fairly Odd Mother on March 04, 2008 at 12:49 PM in Adults Only, Fairly Odd Mother, Reviews | Permalink

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