You would think that I would have nothing to complain about. The weather is finally spectacular, the bulbs are up and smiling prettily at all who walk by, the shrubs that were seemingly dead all winter have come alive with flowers, and even the trees are showing signs of life once again.
Yeah, you would think so. But no... I'm going to complain about the pollen. Because the prettier it is outside, the more miserable my entire family is. We have allergies. Allergies to pollen. Especially tree pollen. We all look like we've been smoking blunts all day. Our eyes are swollen and red. They itch like crazy. Our faces are slightly swollen, too. We sound like we all have sore throats. Oh, that's because we DO have sore throats. Worst of all, we're all exhausted. For some sick reason, the allergies drain every ounce of strength out of our bodies.
My kids, usually serious night owls, are taking naps and going to bed by 10. No matter how much sleep they get, they're wiped. I'm even worse. I can't seem to wake up out of my stupor. I mean it, my sofa and I have become one. The only time I can ever remember being this exhausted was during my twin pregnancy. At least then I had two parasites sucking the life force out of me. Now, I just have mean old trees attacking my very reason for being.
Plus, if the exhaustion and the itchy eyes aren't enough, my children, they are horrible. They're rarely pleasant on a good day. They're teenagers. They're supposed to be horrid. But my God, my daughter is getting on my very last nerve. Because I have the unmitigated gall to ask her to help in the kitchen. I KNOW! What kind of a bitch am I? What is WRONG with me?
Last night I asked her to make the chicken soup for our Passover seder. Making chicken soup isn't hard. In fact, it's so easy it's ridiculous. This is how it went:
M: First you get the chicken and put it in the sink.
G: You mean I have to touch it?
M: Um, yes. Yes you do.
G: Gross! I'm not touching that.
(Stomps off to get something and comes back with cleaning lady's disposable gloves. Brings chicken to the sink)
M: Now take the wrapper off and rinse the chicken.
G: I have to TOUCH IT? With my hands? No way.
M: Oh, shut up and do it.
G: grumble grumble under her breath grumble
M: Put the chicken in the pot and fill it with water until it covers the chicken and then an inch over.
G: How much water?
M: I just told you.
G: I wasn't listening.
(repeats instructions)
M: Now go into the fridge and get out the carrots you peeled this morning and the celery. Oh, and one of the big onions.
G: grumble grumble I can't find the celery.
M: It's in the fridge, I just used some this morning.
G: It's ROTTEN.
M: No it isn't. It just has one brown stalk. Throw it away and the rest is fine.
G: I'm not touching that. It's ROTTEN, it's gross.
M: It is NOT rotten, take it out of the fridge.
G: No, I'm not touching it.
M: I'm really losing my temper. Just take it out of the fridge.
(Still wearing gloves, she picks it up with her pincer grab and makes all sorts of gross noises like she's dying, but eventually gets good stalks to cut up.)
M: Now put the onion, celery and carrots in the pot.
G: I have to CUT UP THE ONION?
M: (Weary voice) YES, you have to cut the onion or it won't fit in the pot.
G: But I'll cry.
M: You're gonna cry if I have to get up and do it for you.
(She cuts onion and puts it in the pot)
G: Now what?
M: Get the parsley and the dill out of the fridge.
G: I don't know what dill looks like.
M: For God's sake, it's in the same bag as the parsley.
G: It's a plant. I hate plants.
M: Put 1/2 of each bunch in the soup pot and SHUT UP.
M: Now add some salt and pepper.
G: How much salt and pepper.
M: Like a teaspoon of salt and a bit less of pepper.
G: OK, now what?
M: turn on the burner to high, let it boil, and then turn it down to low to cook.
G: You mean I have to stay here and watch it?
M: YES YOU DO.
G: I'm marrying someone that knows how to cook because I'm not doing it. I hate cooking.
By the time we were through that exercise I was exhausted and ticked off. Honestly, why make something so difficult? But that's my girl.
Have a happy and sweet Passover to those that celebrate!
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