All I want for Christmas is. . .

All I Want for Christmas is... A Lifestyle Lift.  Yes, really. Okay maybe not. Well kinda, yeah. Oh, I don’t know.

You see, I thought I would be the kind of woman who would grow old gracefully.  The woman who would embrace her maturity, crow’s feet, laugh lines, underarm sag and all.   Come to find out, no.

I don’t want to grow up get older.

I have a waddle, dammit.  I am not happy about this. And jowls! What the heck am I supposed to do with jowls?  Stuff nuts in them for the winter??

What’s worse is, as I slide kicking and screaming gracefully into my late 30s, I’m starting to realize the body I had in my 20s and early 30s, the one that caused me so much emotional agony, was actually kind of smokin’ hot. Especially when compared to the muffin top, sagging boobs, and cellulite I have now.  Ain't that a kick in the dimpled arse?

You know why hindsight is 20/20?  Because it wears progressive lenses, that’s why.

So Santa, I guess what I really need is the gift of acceptance.  I need to learn to love this new body of mine with all it’s creeks and pops and aches and pains.  (And the jiggly bits, Dog help me I need to learn to embrace my jiggly bits.)  The body that is still beautiful for all it has had to endure and has risen above.  The body that has carried and bore two beautiful, healthy children who deserve a good role model.

Oh, and world peace too, please.  That's all I want, really.

(But if you want to slip just a little Botox under my tree, just a tiny bit, it’ll be our little secret.)

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This is not an advertisement or an endorsement of the Lifestyle Lift, Botox, or any other type of plastic surgery. But if they need a spokesperson, I'm available.

Comments

[margalit]

I was all about the lifestyle lift myself until a "friend" of mine with a giant TV pointed out to me that the people on the commercial had chin jobs as well as the lift. It says it right in the small print.

How upset was I? VERY very upset. Not that I could afford either procedure, but a girl can dream, huh?

Happy Christmas!

[Fairly Odd Mother]

I've seen you recently and you are absolutely perfect! And don't do Botox, pleeeeez---or at least wait a while. I can't handle the frozen face look, it kind of freaks me out.

When I hit 40, I noticed a major change in my metabolism. It sucks but my body wants to weigh 10 pounds more no matter what I do.

[Velma]

I totally fantasize about the Lifestyle Lift, as everyone in my family shares the hereditary double chin and mine's a killer! But then I think I should work on living healthier instead... and then I think, "OK, maybe by my 50th..."

[Erin]

I am absolutely 100% behind a little Botox to get you through the day! Admittedly I am too nervous of the needle right now but if this forehead line gets any more prominent I think me & Botox just might become good friends.

[Tracey]

Ok, to make myself feel better I just say this:

In 20 years, I'll look at pictures of myself and say "WHAT was I upset with?!? I was SMOKIN HOT!" See? Perspective.

[kittenpie]

I"m a little freaked out that nowhere on the lifestyle lift site does it tell you what they actually DO. *shudder*

[Charles Cage]

Learning to accept the person you have become is a true sign of maturity. Looking back, cherish the ups and downs that have helped mold your character. Stay happy!