How can we stomp out mean girls?

The other day, my five year old came home from preschool. As we talked about his day, he described three of his fellow classmates as "the mean girls".

"What?!", I asked him in surprise. Did I hear that right? Did he just call three girls, ages 4 and 5, the "mean girls"? 

"What do they do? And why do you call them that?"

Turns out, they are sort of a clique. They like to stick together and not really play with anyone else. 

Mind, you, this is the second clique I've heard of in his class of 20. The other is a small group of boys. 

Cliques. Mean girls. Boys who stick together like glue.

In preschool. A great preschool with caring teachers who are actively trying to do something to stop what they see happening before their eyes.

And then today, I read the story of Phoebe Prince, a pretty 15 year old girl whose family moved from Ireland to South Hadley. Many of you have heard the story by now, and may have read the truly disturbing story in The Boston Globe of the bullying she suffered while here. 

Earlier this month, Phoebe Prince came home and hung herself. Her 12 year old sister found her.

Her bullies had the nerve, the motherfucking nerve, to go on Facebook and mock her death.

I am so pissed about this story, I can barely see straight. If there is any justice in this world, those girls will be expelled and get themselves a shiny new criminal record, although I don't know enough about bullying to know if they can be charged with a crime. 

I want the other kids in the town to start talking, telling officials who these girls are. I want them to tell the parents what monsters they have raised. Show the parents those Facebook comments so they can see what their darlings have been saying about another child.

But, would it matter to those parents or would they make excuses for their girls? Do mean girls and boys grow up and have kids who carry on the cycle?

How are these kids able to use social media in such a publicly malicious way without consequences? Why aren't more parents monitoring their kids' online activity?

But, is there really any hope for these kids if exclusive cliques are being formed among kids who are barely out of diapers? I wish I had an answer. 

Comments

[WorkingMom]

I also wanted to apply some old-fashioned justice to the little pissants who tortured Phoebe Prince. But in today's world, I will settle for charges against all of them AND their parents, and for Phoebe's parents to sue them all in civil court for everything they have, because it's almost a guarantee that this is not the first time these brats have been in trouble.

If my kid has a keg party at my house, even without my knowledge, I'm held legally responsible for not providing appropriate supervision. So why not on Facebook?

And why don't these parents? Because they don't care. Plain and simple. It's too much of a bother for them to do their jobs as parents. And more of us need to stand up and say, "That may work for you, but when you affect my child, you answer to me." And don't hesitate to let these kids know what's appropriate and what's not. Remember the phrase "it takes a village"? Part of that is providing the guidance that their parents won't and/or don't. Most of them are good kids; they just need to know there are limits.

[Julie]

Just yet one more great reason to homeschool huh?
ALthough when you do go outside the house there are cliques everywhere, dance class, gymnastics, swim lessons, ice skating....
doesn't really matter.

What I've seen is that a lot of parents that are friends sends their kids to school together, they are close because their parents are close, they see each other all the time. Unfortunately, some parents can't be bothered (even with the younger ones in preschool) to say "include everyone".

I hope that D stays unaffected by those mean children, and continues to do his own thing. Being an individual is so much more important than being part of a group.

[Mrs. Q.]

Phoebe and her family are in my prayers. And they were in my nightmares last night.

I shuddered when I read about one girl who talked with reporters after the incident about "the mean girls". She was later slammed into a locker and punched in the face. From reading posts on a local board, it sounds like this group of girls have a little mafia right there in high school that enables them to do what they want and not get in trouble. Their names were also posted, and promptly removed.

But they all enjoyed moving on and going to the big school dance two days after Phoebe's death, while her parents made funeral arrangements.

Do parents and teachers really not see bullying? Are they trying not to relive their own experiences and just looking the other way? Or are they helpless?

Bullying has become MUCH worse with cellphones and faceless communications like facebook and twitter, because those social interactions continue and escalate after school. There should be no cell phones or texting on school property. Parents have to SHUT IT DOWN so that after school is family time. If these girls are so desperate to socialize after school, join a club or sport or volunteer. But hopefully they will not have time for those things because they will be on parole.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Ha, Julie knows I homeschool my oldest two girls. That said, they are both actively involved in other activities and have experienced a little bit of bullying at times. The difference for us is: 1) it has been very limited, so we can talk about it and deal with it---they don't face any situation every single day like kids in school have to do; 2) when we get together with other homeschooled kids, a parent(s) is often in the vicinity to squash any major issues. If a kid causes trouble, we just don't see them as much anymore.

I know parents want their kids to be able to handle difficult situations (I've heard the phrase "toughen them up" too many times), but they are KIDS, even at 15. They NEED us to be there and advocate for them. I don't believe living through bullying is a badge of honor---it is painful, even for the parents I know who lived through it 20 years (or more) ago.

And, Mrs Q, you are right----the 24/7 online access to peers is very dangerous and creates a sort of virtual Lord of the Flies. But, a senior I know talks of texting through classes even though they aren't "supposed" to have their phones on them, so it happens. Maybe if their phones were taken away FOR GOOD if they are caught with them, that would keep them out of the classroom? But, I bet parents would throw such a stink, that'd never happen.

[Margaret]

My girls are now involved with theater and yesterday we got an email about in "incident". Apparently some people were making mean posts on Facebook about other kids in the theater. The theater director let it be known that this will not be tolerated and it was their only warning.

My girls are 6 and 8. When I drop them off at the theater, I know they are some of the youngest. They mention a set of twins that are also 8, but a majority of the kids there are teenagers. While I know my girls will no be seeing those posts (because frankly, 8 is too young for FB, no matter what others think) I can't help but feel sad that they could have been the one's mocked and to feel that there are "mean girls" out there in vicinity to my girls.

Next week, my five year old will also join them at the theater. At this time, I know there will be more younger kids there as well (we know a few other kids their ages).
Christine, your right there though - parents need to be responsible for their kids. To stick up for them and defend them. To punish them when they do wrong.

[Jessica]

I'm speechless. And yet, not really all that surprised. My best friend is a teacher in a Tender Years daycare/preschool and she often tells me stories about cliques and mean girls/boys. The parents? Well, the parents raise their little ones to be in cliques and mean girls/boys. Why? Because they, themselves were bullies...were in cliques...and were mean girls/boys.

Hell, I see grown adults acting like children on Facebook every day. In fact, I'm so nauseated by Facebook some days I can barely stand visiting it anymore. When thirty-something year old parents are too busy tending to their virtual Facebook farms, zoos and cafes, it's no wonder they don't know what their kids are up to at school. :(

So sad.

[patois]

Damn. See, this is what has me ranting and raving just a few days ago about middle schoolers with Facebook and, in another post, my precious, sweet daughter being punked about by some bitch. (At 11!) And this is purportedly one of her friends.

You know what, though? These girls aren't just mean on their own. They are learning it from effed-up parents.

I have to go away now. I'm totally seeing red.

[Tracey]

Hate to say it, but meanness exists in all of us and always has. The bullying that we see nowadays is nothing new. It's just out in the open and more easily accessible for all to see.

If the poor girl in question had experienced the bullying 50 years ago, and still committed suicide, no one would have known the reason. The bullies would have gone unpunished and no one would have really "known" what had happened. The fact is, it DID happen 50 years ago, all the time. We just didn't hear about it.

That's not to say that I think that there shouldn't be consequences for cyber bullying or defamation of someone's character online.

Also, I never jump to the conclusion that a teen "bully" is someone whose parents were the same way. I remember many kids in high school who were completely different than their parents, in good and bad ways. It's the same thing now. And to say that parents CAN keep track of every aspect of their kids' lives is a bit optimistic, in my opinion.

My heart goes out to that entire family and community.

[Forex Trading]

Hi! It's the responsibility of the parents to spend some time with them.. And educate or train their kids to participate in all activities and to interact with co-students. Let us hope no one would slip into ditch of narrow mindedness. I am thankful for giving an opportunity to participate in this discussion. -bye Rachell.

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